Maybe it’s time to let go 

Nights turn to sleepless crying night. Days turn to sleep all day. I don’t know how to say this but wish that I never took this road or wish to rewind to the good old days again. I’m stuck in the middle of being afraid. I guess it is true I’ll always be the one who is the weak one. But what can I say, I don’t blame anyone but me. I’m not prefect I scream and get mad because I have so much bottled up inside me. That’s what I get for never being open about my soft side because I don’t show that side of me like I use to. I remember I use to be open about everything. I was comfortable talking about things no matter who you are and then as I grew up. I start to realize people take me for granted. I start to shut people off and just live my life without those people. 

Then my life started to go through bumps because when you shut those ones around you, you start to feel alone. Those bumps start to come back into my life now. Where I just want to distant myself from everything and everyone again. Take a plane to where I was suppose to be and finish my career. Start off fresh because I don’t know who I am no more. For once maybe I’ll finally stop faking a smile and stop lying that everything is ok. Because I don’t want those around me to worry. I put myself last and that’s probably why I don’t love myself. I speak from a positive aspect in my blog because I don’t want my readers to go through this struggle. With no one giving you a hand, no one able to comfort you, and no one really there. When your at this point you start to get selfish about yourself because you feel all yourself is what you have. 

12 years ago I took this stupid survey with some friends over at my house “how will you die”. I was in 6th grade at this time, so I wasn’t smart or familiar with the real world. My results came out and it said “suicide”. I didn’t know what it meant until I grew up. This still haunts me after 12 years because it feels like that’s how it would end. I had nights where I wanted to but I quickly called the help line. But there were times I just sat in my car staring out in the ocean and cried because that’s all you can do when your mind messes with you. Especially when you have someone up above you. Losing someone through death or heartbreaks hurt. It doesn’t matter if your the one who made that decision. It still hurts. 

Next month, its mother day. I’m a mother to a lost child. Imagine knowing at that time you had to do what’s right but everyday it hurts you. You felt the bond as a mother and then it’s gone. It drives you crazy everyday because there is not a day that you think of your baby. All you want is your baby and when things in life get hard that’s who you want to be with. 


Regret: Smoking

Never ever in your life light up a cigarette and inhale. I say this because the one thing i regret in life is smoking. For those of  you who don’t smoke, stay that way. There are better things out there then smoking. I say this because in the end it’s not worth it. It’s been almost a year since i started smoking. I use to hate people who smoke, i don’t go near them, if I had friends that smoke I didn’t want them around me. We all started something for a reason, I started smoking because things weren’t going well in my life. One of my friend hand me a smoke and thought that I wouldn’t get addicted. The truth was I did because I wasn’t me. I use to have friends that handed me a smoke, I threw it because I was me and I had that mind “Why kill my body? I have so much to live for.” But I lost that mind set and didn’t care about anything about myself at that time. Smoking had made a big impact on my life and those who care about me. Everyday my parents live knowing that I might have cancer, it hurts. Everyday my boyfriend lives knowing that it’s ruining my life and me. Everyday my friend lives knowing she shouldn’t had gave me that one smoke. If you want to know what smoking really does to you. Well I’m about to tell you 10 things how it will effects you.

  1. It drains your energy
  2. You rely on smoking every time your mad and stress
  3. You get short of breath
  4. You don’t have an appetite = lose weight (those of you who want to look skinny or lose weight this isn’t the way to do it, i’ll show you a proper way on my next blog”
  5. You have mood swings
  6. You become lazy
  7. Your body becomes fatigue
  8. Your killing your body slowly and soon enough death
  9. You will look old and ugly
  10. You aren’t yourself no more

These are just a few things that some of you may relate to who are smokers. But i hope those that are non smoker, hopefully it scares you a bit. People say one smoke won’t kill you, while dear readers it does. You just inhaled 2000 chemicals into your system now you tell me that it doesn’t kill you. You must be out of your mind. If your unlucky you just triggered something in your body that now becomes a big thing. If I was to go back in time I wish I never started. But now it’s a life lesson of trying to quit. Those of you who are still young and beautiful, it isn’t cool to smoke. You make yourself look like an idiot, I say this because that’s how I look at people when I didn’t smoke. Those of you who are old, you want to live long right? Well live long and healthy. I don’t live in any of your shoes, so I don’t know what planes you been on or what path you walked on. But do this for you, don’t ruin yourself, there is more to you deep down.