Maybe it’s time to let go 

Nights turn to sleepless crying night. Days turn to sleep all day. I don’t know how to say this but wish that I never took this road or wish to rewind to the good old days again. I’m stuck in the middle of being afraid. I guess it is true I’ll always be the one who is the weak one. But what can I say, I don’t blame anyone but me. I’m not prefect I scream and get mad because I have so much bottled up inside me. That’s what I get for never being open about my soft side because I don’t show that side of me like I use to. I remember I use to be open about everything. I was comfortable talking about things no matter who you are and then as I grew up. I start to realize people take me for granted. I start to shut people off and just live my life without those people. 

Then my life started to go through bumps because when you shut those ones around you, you start to feel alone. Those bumps start to come back into my life now. Where I just want to distant myself from everything and everyone again. Take a plane to where I was suppose to be and finish my career. Start off fresh because I don’t know who I am no more. For once maybe I’ll finally stop faking a smile and stop lying that everything is ok. Because I don’t want those around me to worry. I put myself last and that’s probably why I don’t love myself. I speak from a positive aspect in my blog because I don’t want my readers to go through this struggle. With no one giving you a hand, no one able to comfort you, and no one really there. When your at this point you start to get selfish about yourself because you feel all yourself is what you have. 

12 years ago I took this stupid survey with some friends over at my house “how will you die”. I was in 6th grade at this time, so I wasn’t smart or familiar with the real world. My results came out and it said “suicide”. I didn’t know what it meant until I grew up. This still haunts me after 12 years because it feels like that’s how it would end. I had nights where I wanted to but I quickly called the help line. But there were times I just sat in my car staring out in the ocean and cried because that’s all you can do when your mind messes with you. Especially when you have someone up above you. Losing someone through death or heartbreaks hurt. It doesn’t matter if your the one who made that decision. It still hurts. 

Next month, its mother day. I’m a mother to a lost child. Imagine knowing at that time you had to do what’s right but everyday it hurts you. You felt the bond as a mother and then it’s gone. It drives you crazy everyday because there is not a day that you think of your baby. All you want is your baby and when things in life get hard that’s who you want to be with. 



You lose your self more and more everyday. Where you have no appiete to eat anymore. Life without goals, energy,  looking forward to anything and you distant yourself from everyone. You constantly find ways to get back up but you can’t. You cry more than you eat. Everything hurts. You try to get up but you can’t. You want to die but you don’t want to be selfish. It hurts so much and there is nothing you can do. You don’t want to find help or tell anyone because no one knows what’s it like to be in your shoes. 
Ice cream and dessert use to solve all my problems. Now it no longer does. Smoking use to make me more calm but it doesn’t no more. Running to my loved ones use to slove everything but it no longer does no more. I only have myself. In a world where your depress you only have yourself. You do everything you can to wipe your tears away but it no longer is useful because you cry so much to a point there is no tears. 

I started to blog because of depression, in many ways it encourage me to open up more. Though I don’t blog personally about my life, I take a different aspect to express my feelings. Days that I’ve become upset I open my laptop or my phone and just start blogging away to get my mind off it. Sometimes the best thing to do in order to overcome depression is writing because it’s hard to tell someone but it’s not hard to write how you feel out. Things will get better maybe not now but it will. 

Sometimes you just have to hold on to yourself. Sometimes you just got to brush yourself off and just not let depression take over you. It’s hard but believe in yourself you can do it. No matter how hard it can be. At some point you got to fight it and not be afraid of depression. “Your beautiful, your smart in your own ways, your loved and cherished. Don’t be so hard on yourself, sometimes when things just don’t go the way you want it, just let it be. Let time figure it out” 

Your not alone. 


Don’t call it quits


Had you ever took the time to be grateful of wherever city you live in? Or took the time to just appreciate the details when you look at a view of your city? We take where we live for granted while others are dying to be here. The only time that we ever think about being grateful are those nights when we just want to escape from reality, not face your problems and just wish everything goes away. I’ve done it many times and the best escape is when your alone feeling the breeze of wind, hearing the tide of the ocean and looking at the city light. It makes you appreciate what you have more because you see a beautiful city from far and realize you don’t need more. All you need is yourself to be here. Sometimes what you escape from you got to look at the bigger picture in life, its a mistake that everyone makes. They don’t realize that they make their problems bigger when it was small. I do that all the time, in the end I lose myself and I let my emotions take over me. All there is are just negative thoughts running around my mind. When anger plus unstable emotions equals stubbornness and selfishness. You light up a cigarette, open a bottle or light up a j and get high. But in reality the aftermath makes it worst. The last toke of smoke makes you regret what just happened, the liquor hits you deep inside your soul with tears and the high makes you mad at yourself. What good does this bring you? Why not have a smoke and enjoy it? Why not drink for celebration? Why not get high when your having a good time? Why do we all over do this to our body when things aren’t going well? The answer is to temporary numb the pain. But we don’t see how good we have it already. At my weakest, the only thing I want to do is take a stroll to the park, take a drive down the beach but then realize in the end I got to face reality. The best thing to do is think of the good things, think of how far you came already, put on your crown and just put up with it. Put on a emotionless face and don’t call it quits now. Ten years down the road, you look back on your weakest think and will thank yourself that you never gave up. Quit your bad habits but never quit on who you are as a person.