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If I can, you can do it too

One of my supporters asked me how did I find happiness. It’s hard but if I can do it, you can do it too. You got to put yourself on the line at a point where you want to be happy. You can pop the pills, knife your wrist, starve yourself and just harm yourself in your locked up room or crying yourself in the shower. Don’t harm yourself beautiful, your life is so far and long. Fight this pain, pain is just temporary, being strong is permanent.

Your happiness is home, family and loved ones. To find happiness you can’t do it alone, you need the support. I don’t know how many times I’ve called my girlfriends for support. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried on my mother shoulders. The people that want to be there for you, take advantage of it. If their not going to be there then they ain’t real. I would never in my life had come to this day without my girlfriends and family supporting me when I was in the verge to just disappear.

Your never alone, honestly you are not. I’ve had people that I didn’t know that message me over the Internet saying they need support. My heart goes out to those I’ve helped and those human that felt my pain in my blogs or the help line. To have a stranger message me for help shows that I’m doing something good. I don’t know a lot but I’ve took wrong and right path to places that comes in handy. For some people it’s hard to open up to someone your close with but of judgemental. But if someone is to judge you than their just not your friend.

If you aren’t happy, you got to look what is making you unhappy. You can either do something about it but if it’s constantly just going back to step 1 then you got to look what is there to lose if you leave what your unhappy about. If it’s bullies, stand up and say something, bullies are scared of people who stand up. If it’s school, don’t give up, you want to reach what your dreaming for. If it’s work, than maybe it’s not right for you. I’ve worked in a environment that drained me, I couldn’t keep up with everything at work. If it’s relationship, negotiate and if it’s just no good then walk away because you can love a person so much but love is not suppose to make you harm yourself. I was in a relationship that he said I’ll never find someone that loves me, I’ll never be someone wife, I’ll never find someone like them. But you look in the mirror and tell yourself that’s the point you DON’T WANT TO FIND SOMEONE LIKE THEM. Look at me now, I’ve found someone that wife’s me. So if I can do it you can do it too. Chase your dreams and be happy.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. Today will be a past, tomorrow will be a present and yesterday was a history already. What is done is done, it’s your choice which door you want to open. There are many doors to opportunities, if one door closes the next door is a new opportunity. Life is short to have negative people it.

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Anger

Anger tears you apart it makes you lose yourself in a fight. Anger is built up of different aspect in your life. How do you get rid of anger? How do you stop it from tearing you apart? What causes this?

Anger is built on the things you keep inside. For 2 years I had the worst anger inside of me. I would scream on top of lungs when things just piss me off. Before that I never use to rage, I would get mad and bitch when I need to but never raged. This rage took over me. It soon turned me into someone I didn’t know, made me depress and hate me. I use to get aggressive when my ex said things that weren’t right. That anger built up every time because like all human we don’t forget. Soon things built up and I went into deep depression. Depression that I didn’t want to talk, eat or go out.

How did I find my way out? Well it was hard but you have to do it for you. I realize what was making me angry, what drained me. I got out of it. When your a stage when people isn’t treating you right and just knifing you in the heart, save yourself. You need to be selfish, that person will make you feel guilty and will harass you but don’t be afraid. You need to take care of yourself, you need to love yourself again. That person can’t love you the way you need to be love but you can love yourself the way you want.

Once you leave a toxic person, you start to learn a lot. You start to learn that you don’t want to be that person. I’ve been in both shoes I’ve been a toxic person in my longest relationship and I’ve dealt with a toxic person in my recent past relationship. Your anger starts to mellow down and soon when someone makes you happy that anger is all gone. I don’t see what’s the point in it being toxic just because your insecurities. If someone is crazy insecure, doesn’t let you have friends, go out, do you or just anything, you need to leave that person. Unless that’s how you both work then stay.

No woman deserve a man that is insecure and step on a woman ground. That same goes for a man too if you got a crazy bitch that’s insecure everytime you out, that girl isn’t grown yet. To make insecurities go bye bye, communication is what makes it last from beginning till end. If you can’t tell your past, passwords, then I don’t see what’s the point in getting in a relationship.

If someone loves you their past, passwords, everything would be given to you. Because that’s a real person who don’t give a fuck about their past or who their talking to. Anger will never have to pop up because their is no getting mistaken for stupid things.

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Where have I been

It has been awhile since I’ve posted. Thank you for the new followers and the lovely supporters asking how I am. I guess it’s time to give those of you an update. I stopped bloggging due to personal issues that I needed to get out from.

Today I want to tell you what I’ve experience and how good alway happens to you in the end. 4 months ago I was in a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, that changed my life. For 2 years I was continuously getting accused of, knifed by horrible names that should never be said and just continuously having someone asking where you at or who you with every min and hour of the day. There was always something I was accused of either looking around or just looking good for myself. Something we don’t need in life: toxic people. Yes there were good but all the good at the end of the day turns to bad. During my past 2 year of growth, all the fights turned me into a angry and frustrated person. The worst was I completely lost myself. I didn’t like to get accused on and step on, as woman when you hit that spot of ours you can’t really fix it. Words of hatred screams out like it’s nothing.

I felt like I always had to listen to him, I felt like once I go out I’m going to get accused, I’m going to have to fight for myself. No one wants someone that is controlling. If your a man or woman you control your dam self. No one controls you. Not your parents, lover or friends. If there is something you want to explore and if someone has to be objective, that person shouldn’t be apart of your life. Healthy relationship supports each other through what you want in your life. I had to learn it the hard way in the end. If someone is always going to bash at you or accuse you, I’m just going to tell you one thing. They will drag you and drain you to get you no where.

I’ve always wanted to go into fashion, but I was young and still exploring (nothing wrong with that). About 8 months ago I wanted to put my money towards school. I wanted to go to fashion school. If you want it, you don’t need to consult no one with it. If you have a passion for it, you don’t need to think about it. But if you have to think about it, it’s not what you want to do. I had someone who wasn’t supportive of what I wanted to do. Made me feel unmotivated and just not giving me a chance to show what I can do. When I’m the one who sat behind a sewing machine for my whole life, have a family trait dated back to my great great grandpa all the way to now who did pattern making as a life and most of all I was the one who sat behind my grandma looking at her sew at 5. I wasn’t going to let no one stop me at this point.

After signing up for school my life wasn’t where I want to be yet. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t in a healthy relationship and i became a heavy smoker. A pack of smoke would be done in 2-3 days and I wouldn’t care about my health condition. I didn’t want to eat or do anything. One day I just didn’t want to take it anymore I was getting accused for being out with girlfriends for things that were nonsense. I had to call it quits. But healing was the worst, I was getting harassed with photo, text msgs and emails that made me at the verge to suicide. I stayed at my girlfriends house because I was scared for 2 weeks. I didn’t want to do anything but smoke my lungs out.

One day my girlfriend dragged me out for our old school buddies bday. It had been two weeks since my break up. She had fun but I was the DD, so I just enjoyed the music. In the end was when the man I am with now came up to me. The most funny thing was we knew eachother way back in 2011, had mutual friend including my girlfriend. At that time in 2011 we both had a lover so we never talked but just seen and heard about each other. The other funny thing was he said “wait your so and so chi (big sis), your sis would never let me meet you”. We laughed and said well we already know why. We got to know each other really well, he knew what I was going through and things just started to change.

One day he asked me to go cypress and while we were driving he asked me what do I wish for “to be honest I just wish for a memorable night”. That night being up at cypress, all my stress and anger just disappeared. It felt so heart warming and touched. I literally tear up because I’ve haven’t felt so free in my life. He made me realize, if someone isn’t treating you right there is always someone who wants to treat you right. As the month went by he met my parents and friends, went on dates and took be back to cypress to ask me for my hand. Honestly I wasn’t expecting anything but he knew what I liked as we chilled and picked out jade. I asked him don’t you want a prenup? He said “why? I love you and I trust you, we’re old generation wtf is prenup.” That’s love. Don’t marry someone if your scared about money because you don’t love that person at all.

We both have nothing to give but loyalty, trust and respect. Someone who was disrespectful and abusive once was giving me a lecture on loyalty and I laugh. Loyalty doesn’t mean you stay together when the thick is abusive and thin is temporary. Loyalty is holding each other like king and queen with love, affection and support for one. I’ve haven’t been so happy in a long time, he brought out the best in me in every way and gave me what I needed which was unconditional love. When I told him what I wanted to do he said go for it I’ll support you through it. Ever since I told him I want to do fashion, everyday he’s been driving me to school, providing me financially, and giving me motivation when I am stress.

The fact that our communication is so strong and how we accept our past for who we are makes us see each other in a different way. I’ve learnt that you can’t be with someone if they’re shady about their past and got to hide things. With him, he was open about all his ex and fun days in the past. With that being said it made it so easy to tell him my past because if someone can go depth, their willing to accept you as well. We trust each other, in a way that we’re so open about opposite sex or just anything and it’s a big thing. I’ve learnt this through my past, you can’t be with someone who is insecure and accuses. Someone who accuses you for insecurity are usually the one insecure. Because their the one who gets mad at you for looking good and accusing. That’s some child thing. And to the men and ladies if their going to judge you for what you wear, he needs to go see a doctor. Because it’s them that can’t stand their ground.

Basically what I’m trying to state here is cut the toxic people in your life, someone out there is tired of seeing you constantly being in the wrong hands. You will never know what’s on the other side if your still in the dark side. It’s hard, but your not alone. Someone out there can give you emotional love instead of emotionally abusing you. That person can respect you without accusing and bashing on you. There is always someone that will always be there to support, not just on thin days. Love is crazy but imagine spending your life with someone who is no good for you, live your life with happiness. I’ll say one thing someone who is always about that money and what’s theirs will always be that way. If love can’t change them, nothing will. Love yourself and someone will love you with sincere. You maybe in a dark place but someone will one day take the walls down and rebuild it with windows to show you what is happiness.

Advise

Maybe it’s time to let go 

Nights turn to sleepless crying night. Days turn to sleep all day. I don’t know how to say this but wish that I never took this road or wish to rewind to the good old days again. I’m stuck in the middle of being afraid. I guess it is true I’ll always be the one who is the weak one. But what can I say, I don’t blame anyone but me. I’m not prefect I scream and get mad because I have so much bottled up inside me. That’s what I get for never being open about my soft side because I don’t show that side of me like I use to. I remember I use to be open about everything. I was comfortable talking about things no matter who you are and then as I grew up. I start to realize people take me for granted. I start to shut people off and just live my life without those people. 

Then my life started to go through bumps because when you shut those ones around you, you start to feel alone. Those bumps start to come back into my life now. Where I just want to distant myself from everything and everyone again. Take a plane to where I was suppose to be and finish my career. Start off fresh because I don’t know who I am no more. For once maybe I’ll finally stop faking a smile and stop lying that everything is ok. Because I don’t want those around me to worry. I put myself last and that’s probably why I don’t love myself. I speak from a positive aspect in my blog because I don’t want my readers to go through this struggle. With no one giving you a hand, no one able to comfort you, and no one really there. When your at this point you start to get selfish about yourself because you feel all yourself is what you have. 

12 years ago I took this stupid survey with some friends over at my house “how will you die”. I was in 6th grade at this time, so I wasn’t smart or familiar with the real world. My results came out and it said “suicide”. I didn’t know what it meant until I grew up. This still haunts me after 12 years because it feels like that’s how it would end. I had nights where I wanted to but I quickly called the help line. But there were times I just sat in my car staring out in the ocean and cried because that’s all you can do when your mind messes with you. Especially when you have someone up above you. Losing someone through death or heartbreaks hurt. It doesn’t matter if your the one who made that decision. It still hurts. 

Next month, its mother day. I’m a mother to a lost child. Imagine knowing at that time you had to do what’s right but everyday it hurts you. You felt the bond as a mother and then it’s gone. It drives you crazy everyday because there is not a day that you think of your baby. All you want is your baby and when things in life get hard that’s who you want to be with. 

Advise

Depression 


You lose your self more and more everyday. Where you have no appiete to eat anymore. Life without goals, energy,  looking forward to anything and you distant yourself from everyone. You constantly find ways to get back up but you can’t. You cry more than you eat. Everything hurts. You try to get up but you can’t. You want to die but you don’t want to be selfish. It hurts so much and there is nothing you can do. You don’t want to find help or tell anyone because no one knows what’s it like to be in your shoes. 
Ice cream and dessert use to solve all my problems. Now it no longer does. Smoking use to make me more calm but it doesn’t no more. Running to my loved ones use to slove everything but it no longer does no more. I only have myself. In a world where your depress you only have yourself. You do everything you can to wipe your tears away but it no longer is useful because you cry so much to a point there is no tears. 

I started to blog because of depression, in many ways it encourage me to open up more. Though I don’t blog personally about my life, I take a different aspect to express my feelings. Days that I’ve become upset I open my laptop or my phone and just start blogging away to get my mind off it. Sometimes the best thing to do in order to overcome depression is writing because it’s hard to tell someone but it’s not hard to write how you feel out. Things will get better maybe not now but it will. 

Sometimes you just have to hold on to yourself. Sometimes you just got to brush yourself off and just not let depression take over you. It’s hard but believe in yourself you can do it. No matter how hard it can be. At some point you got to fight it and not be afraid of depression. “Your beautiful, your smart in your own ways, your loved and cherished. Don’t be so hard on yourself, sometimes when things just don’t go the way you want it, just let it be. Let time figure it out” 

Your not alone. 

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Don’t call it quits

 

Had you ever took the time to be grateful of wherever city you live in? Or took the time to just appreciate the details when you look at a view of your city? We take where we live for granted while others are dying to be here. The only time that we ever think about being grateful are those nights when we just want to escape from reality, not face your problems and just wish everything goes away. I’ve done it many times and the best escape is when your alone feeling the breeze of wind, hearing the tide of the ocean and looking at the city light. It makes you appreciate what you have more because you see a beautiful city from far and realize you don’t need more. All you need is yourself to be here. Sometimes what you escape from you got to look at the bigger picture in life, its a mistake that everyone makes. They don’t realize that they make their problems bigger when it was small. I do that all the time, in the end I lose myself and I let my emotions take over me. All there is are just negative thoughts running around my mind. When anger plus unstable emotions equals stubbornness and selfishness. You light up a cigarette, open a bottle or light up a j and get high. But in reality the aftermath makes it worst. The last toke of smoke makes you regret what just happened, the liquor hits you deep inside your soul with tears and the high makes you mad at yourself. What good does this bring you? Why not have a smoke and enjoy it? Why not drink for celebration? Why not get high when your having a good time? Why do we all over do this to our body when things aren’t going well? The answer is to temporary numb the pain. But we don’t see how good we have it already. At my weakest, the only thing I want to do is take a stroll to the park, take a drive down the beach but then realize in the end I got to face reality. The best thing to do is think of the good things, think of how far you came already, put on your crown and just put up with it. Put on a emotionless face and don’t call it quits now. Ten years down the road, you look back on your weakest think and will thank yourself that you never gave up. Quit your bad habits but never quit on who you are as a person.