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If I can, you can do it too

One of my supporters asked me how did I find happiness. It’s hard but if I can do it, you can do it too. You got to put yourself on the line at a point where you want to be happy. You can pop the pills, knife your wrist, starve yourself and just harm yourself in your locked up room or crying yourself in the shower. Don’t harm yourself beautiful, your life is so far and long. Fight this pain, pain is just temporary, being strong is permanent.

Your happiness is home, family and loved ones. To find happiness you can’t do it alone, you need the support. I don’t know how many times I’ve called my girlfriends for support. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried on my mother shoulders. The people that want to be there for you, take advantage of it. If their not going to be there then they ain’t real. I would never in my life had come to this day without my girlfriends and family supporting me when I was in the verge to just disappear.

Your never alone, honestly you are not. I’ve had people that I didn’t know that message me over the Internet saying they need support. My heart goes out to those I’ve helped and those human that felt my pain in my blogs or the help line. To have a stranger message me for help shows that I’m doing something good. I don’t know a lot but I’ve took wrong and right path to places that comes in handy. For some people it’s hard to open up to someone your close with but of judgemental. But if someone is to judge you than their just not your friend.

If you aren’t happy, you got to look what is making you unhappy. You can either do something about it but if it’s constantly just going back to step 1 then you got to look what is there to lose if you leave what your unhappy about. If it’s bullies, stand up and say something, bullies are scared of people who stand up. If it’s school, don’t give up, you want to reach what your dreaming for. If it’s work, than maybe it’s not right for you. I’ve worked in a environment that drained me, I couldn’t keep up with everything at work. If it’s relationship, negotiate and if it’s just no good then walk away because you can love a person so much but love is not suppose to make you harm yourself. I was in a relationship that he said I’ll never find someone that loves me, I’ll never be someone wife, I’ll never find someone like them. But you look in the mirror and tell yourself that’s the point you DON’T WANT TO FIND SOMEONE LIKE THEM. Look at me now, I’ve found someone that wife’s me. So if I can do it you can do it too. Chase your dreams and be happy.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. Today will be a past, tomorrow will be a present and yesterday was a history already. What is done is done, it’s your choice which door you want to open. There are many doors to opportunities, if one door closes the next door is a new opportunity. Life is short to have negative people it.

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Anger

Anger tears you apart it makes you lose yourself in a fight. Anger is built up of different aspect in your life. How do you get rid of anger? How do you stop it from tearing you apart? What causes this?

Anger is built on the things you keep inside. For 2 years I had the worst anger inside of me. I would scream on top of lungs when things just piss me off. Before that I never use to rage, I would get mad and bitch when I need to but never raged. This rage took over me. It soon turned me into someone I didn’t know, made me depress and hate me. I use to get aggressive when my ex said things that weren’t right. That anger built up every time because like all human we don’t forget. Soon things built up and I went into deep depression. Depression that I didn’t want to talk, eat or go out.

How did I find my way out? Well it was hard but you have to do it for you. I realize what was making me angry, what drained me. I got out of it. When your a stage when people isn’t treating you right and just knifing you in the heart, save yourself. You need to be selfish, that person will make you feel guilty and will harass you but don’t be afraid. You need to take care of yourself, you need to love yourself again. That person can’t love you the way you need to be love but you can love yourself the way you want.

Once you leave a toxic person, you start to learn a lot. You start to learn that you don’t want to be that person. I’ve been in both shoes I’ve been a toxic person in my longest relationship and I’ve dealt with a toxic person in my recent past relationship. Your anger starts to mellow down and soon when someone makes you happy that anger is all gone. I don’t see what’s the point in it being toxic just because your insecurities. If someone is crazy insecure, doesn’t let you have friends, go out, do you or just anything, you need to leave that person. Unless that’s how you both work then stay.

No woman deserve a man that is insecure and step on a woman ground. That same goes for a man too if you got a crazy bitch that’s insecure everytime you out, that girl isn’t grown yet. To make insecurities go bye bye, communication is what makes it last from beginning till end. If you can’t tell your past, passwords, then I don’t see what’s the point in getting in a relationship.

If someone loves you their past, passwords, everything would be given to you. Because that’s a real person who don’t give a fuck about their past or who their talking to. Anger will never have to pop up because their is no getting mistaken for stupid things.

Advise

Make a difference

Blogging is my escape from reality for a bit. I’m not saying my life is shit, like all of us sometimes we need something to escape the world. I remember the first time blogging I didn’t know what I wanted to blog about or where I wanted to start. Then I realize why do I want to make my blog perfect if it’s my escape? I shouldn’t stress about it. It’s my escape so I should write what I want. Things just come to my mind and I just start jotting things down to write about. Soon it became my place to rant, talk, give advice and today I’m proud to say I’m helping those that message me for help. I never thought I would be helping people but i come to realize I am. Sometimes I get those thank you, or even people asking me to go in depth. I don’t do this because I want to gain followers and all that, I do it to help those that are going through somethings. Sometimes it’s hard to ask for help but over the Internet you don’t see or know the other person on the other side so you just rant.

Do something that changes you and someone else’s life. Go out and achieve your dreams or goals of the day. You ain’t going to go anywhere just sitting on your butt and just talking about it. If you really want it, it doesn’t take much to make a plan and do it. What are you waiting for? Everyday we’re all growing but one day something might happen to you and you will lay on your coffin while everyone knows you as just that person. Make a difference in your life. Not everything has to be about money. I’m not doing this for money, I do it because I have passion in learning everyday from everything and everyone around me. When you make achievements things don’t have to be big sometimes doing just one little thing can make a difference. That one thing can be donating your old clothes for the needed ones, cleaning the house to see a smile on your spouse’s face, or giving a stranger a smile on the streets. I’m in downtown Vancouver everyday so I have people all ages give me a smile down the streets. Not because they want your number, or talk. It’s a way of saying having a good day. I go to school in a women environment and sometimes it’s so nice seeing a smile from females that are from different departments.

When I was younger I use to be the type that never smiles unless I know you. I grew up with bullies so as I reached my teens I started to be the mean one and when someone use to talk I’d confront them. So for about 5 years I was the type to not smile. And another 2 years because I was with someone that wanted me to not be a happy person and took things the wrong way. Everything you do everyday benefits yourself and someone else. You wake up everyday for yourself to achieve your goals. You open doors for a elder or a female because you have morals and for them it locks your face in their head because there is still these type of people out here.

Make a change in your everyday life or a change to achieve your dreams. We need more people to do things out of the blue and kindness will grow around us. Good comes to those that do good for people and not selfish of themselves.

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Where have I been

It has been awhile since I’ve posted. Thank you for the new followers and the lovely supporters asking how I am. I guess it’s time to give those of you an update. I stopped bloggging due to personal issues that I needed to get out from.

Today I want to tell you what I’ve experience and how good alway happens to you in the end. 4 months ago I was in a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, that changed my life. For 2 years I was continuously getting accused of, knifed by horrible names that should never be said and just continuously having someone asking where you at or who you with every min and hour of the day. There was always something I was accused of either looking around or just looking good for myself. Something we don’t need in life: toxic people. Yes there were good but all the good at the end of the day turns to bad. During my past 2 year of growth, all the fights turned me into a angry and frustrated person. The worst was I completely lost myself. I didn’t like to get accused on and step on, as woman when you hit that spot of ours you can’t really fix it. Words of hatred screams out like it’s nothing.

I felt like I always had to listen to him, I felt like once I go out I’m going to get accused, I’m going to have to fight for myself. No one wants someone that is controlling. If your a man or woman you control your dam self. No one controls you. Not your parents, lover or friends. If there is something you want to explore and if someone has to be objective, that person shouldn’t be apart of your life. Healthy relationship supports each other through what you want in your life. I had to learn it the hard way in the end. If someone is always going to bash at you or accuse you, I’m just going to tell you one thing. They will drag you and drain you to get you no where.

I’ve always wanted to go into fashion, but I was young and still exploring (nothing wrong with that). About 8 months ago I wanted to put my money towards school. I wanted to go to fashion school. If you want it, you don’t need to consult no one with it. If you have a passion for it, you don’t need to think about it. But if you have to think about it, it’s not what you want to do. I had someone who wasn’t supportive of what I wanted to do. Made me feel unmotivated and just not giving me a chance to show what I can do. When I’m the one who sat behind a sewing machine for my whole life, have a family trait dated back to my great great grandpa all the way to now who did pattern making as a life and most of all I was the one who sat behind my grandma looking at her sew at 5. I wasn’t going to let no one stop me at this point.

After signing up for school my life wasn’t where I want to be yet. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t in a healthy relationship and i became a heavy smoker. A pack of smoke would be done in 2-3 days and I wouldn’t care about my health condition. I didn’t want to eat or do anything. One day I just didn’t want to take it anymore I was getting accused for being out with girlfriends for things that were nonsense. I had to call it quits. But healing was the worst, I was getting harassed with photo, text msgs and emails that made me at the verge to suicide. I stayed at my girlfriends house because I was scared for 2 weeks. I didn’t want to do anything but smoke my lungs out.

One day my girlfriend dragged me out for our old school buddies bday. It had been two weeks since my break up. She had fun but I was the DD, so I just enjoyed the music. In the end was when the man I am with now came up to me. The most funny thing was we knew eachother way back in 2011, had mutual friend including my girlfriend. At that time in 2011 we both had a lover so we never talked but just seen and heard about each other. The other funny thing was he said “wait your so and so chi (big sis), your sis would never let me meet you”. We laughed and said well we already know why. We got to know each other really well, he knew what I was going through and things just started to change.

One day he asked me to go cypress and while we were driving he asked me what do I wish for “to be honest I just wish for a memorable night”. That night being up at cypress, all my stress and anger just disappeared. It felt so heart warming and touched. I literally tear up because I’ve haven’t felt so free in my life. He made me realize, if someone isn’t treating you right there is always someone who wants to treat you right. As the month went by he met my parents and friends, went on dates and took be back to cypress to ask me for my hand. Honestly I wasn’t expecting anything but he knew what I liked as we chilled and picked out jade. I asked him don’t you want a prenup? He said “why? I love you and I trust you, we’re old generation wtf is prenup.” That’s love. Don’t marry someone if your scared about money because you don’t love that person at all.

We both have nothing to give but loyalty, trust and respect. Someone who was disrespectful and abusive once was giving me a lecture on loyalty and I laugh. Loyalty doesn’t mean you stay together when the thick is abusive and thin is temporary. Loyalty is holding each other like king and queen with love, affection and support for one. I’ve haven’t been so happy in a long time, he brought out the best in me in every way and gave me what I needed which was unconditional love. When I told him what I wanted to do he said go for it I’ll support you through it. Ever since I told him I want to do fashion, everyday he’s been driving me to school, providing me financially, and giving me motivation when I am stress.

The fact that our communication is so strong and how we accept our past for who we are makes us see each other in a different way. I’ve learnt that you can’t be with someone if they’re shady about their past and got to hide things. With him, he was open about all his ex and fun days in the past. With that being said it made it so easy to tell him my past because if someone can go depth, their willing to accept you as well. We trust each other, in a way that we’re so open about opposite sex or just anything and it’s a big thing. I’ve learnt this through my past, you can’t be with someone who is insecure and accuses. Someone who accuses you for insecurity are usually the one insecure. Because their the one who gets mad at you for looking good and accusing. That’s some child thing. And to the men and ladies if their going to judge you for what you wear, he needs to go see a doctor. Because it’s them that can’t stand their ground.

Basically what I’m trying to state here is cut the toxic people in your life, someone out there is tired of seeing you constantly being in the wrong hands. You will never know what’s on the other side if your still in the dark side. It’s hard, but your not alone. Someone out there can give you emotional love instead of emotionally abusing you. That person can respect you without accusing and bashing on you. There is always someone that will always be there to support, not just on thin days. Love is crazy but imagine spending your life with someone who is no good for you, live your life with happiness. I’ll say one thing someone who is always about that money and what’s theirs will always be that way. If love can’t change them, nothing will. Love yourself and someone will love you with sincere. You maybe in a dark place but someone will one day take the walls down and rebuild it with windows to show you what is happiness.

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Words and action both hurts

What are relationship when we don’t see ourselves but someone steps into your life and acts like they walked in your shoes. They point out things that are harsh and it burns into our souls when we know we are not like that. We face the heartaches and it messes around with our heads. But they act like they are prefect when they are actually insecure about themselves. The most twisted part is when everyone knows how insecure they are. Why do people step on others for they’re own issues? Do people feel good afterwards when they make themselves look good. People go around and around thinking what they do is “Love”. 
I’ve walked in my shoes on my past relationship and I call those actually “Love” then having someone say this is “Love and protection”. I’ve been a protective lover and a chill lover before. But I never had needed to point out someone else’s insecurities in my past. Why? Because I look at it as we’re all different people, we been on different roads and we’re born from different parent. That’s just who we are. Having someone step on you and say the most ridiculous things to you everyday it hurts. You think to yourself why are these people stepping on you? Why are they acting like you done something wrong? Why are they even trying to talk about what you wear, look or who your friends are? 
Imagine being a relationship, where you see forever with that person and you never felt that with anyone. They care about you and show their soft side to you. They have flaws but it was flaws that showed who they were and it was sincere. Now imagine those flaws turn into someone that you don’t even know them anymore. The flaws that start turning you into someone you don’t know anymore because of them. You lose yourself. You start to think what do you have to lose anymore at this point. You start to get scared of who you want to get close with. You start to get scared of being attached to someone again. Because heartaches hurt. Words hurt. Action hurts. 

Advise

Maybe it’s time to let go 

Nights turn to sleepless crying night. Days turn to sleep all day. I don’t know how to say this but wish that I never took this road or wish to rewind to the good old days again. I’m stuck in the middle of being afraid. I guess it is true I’ll always be the one who is the weak one. But what can I say, I don’t blame anyone but me. I’m not prefect I scream and get mad because I have so much bottled up inside me. That’s what I get for never being open about my soft side because I don’t show that side of me like I use to. I remember I use to be open about everything. I was comfortable talking about things no matter who you are and then as I grew up. I start to realize people take me for granted. I start to shut people off and just live my life without those people. 

Then my life started to go through bumps because when you shut those ones around you, you start to feel alone. Those bumps start to come back into my life now. Where I just want to distant myself from everything and everyone again. Take a plane to where I was suppose to be and finish my career. Start off fresh because I don’t know who I am no more. For once maybe I’ll finally stop faking a smile and stop lying that everything is ok. Because I don’t want those around me to worry. I put myself last and that’s probably why I don’t love myself. I speak from a positive aspect in my blog because I don’t want my readers to go through this struggle. With no one giving you a hand, no one able to comfort you, and no one really there. When your at this point you start to get selfish about yourself because you feel all yourself is what you have. 

12 years ago I took this stupid survey with some friends over at my house “how will you die”. I was in 6th grade at this time, so I wasn’t smart or familiar with the real world. My results came out and it said “suicide”. I didn’t know what it meant until I grew up. This still haunts me after 12 years because it feels like that’s how it would end. I had nights where I wanted to but I quickly called the help line. But there were times I just sat in my car staring out in the ocean and cried because that’s all you can do when your mind messes with you. Especially when you have someone up above you. Losing someone through death or heartbreaks hurt. It doesn’t matter if your the one who made that decision. It still hurts. 

Next month, its mother day. I’m a mother to a lost child. Imagine knowing at that time you had to do what’s right but everyday it hurts you. You felt the bond as a mother and then it’s gone. It drives you crazy everyday because there is not a day that you think of your baby. All you want is your baby and when things in life get hard that’s who you want to be with. 

Advise

Depression 


You lose your self more and more everyday. Where you have no appiete to eat anymore. Life without goals, energy,  looking forward to anything and you distant yourself from everyone. You constantly find ways to get back up but you can’t. You cry more than you eat. Everything hurts. You try to get up but you can’t. You want to die but you don’t want to be selfish. It hurts so much and there is nothing you can do. You don’t want to find help or tell anyone because no one knows what’s it like to be in your shoes. 
Ice cream and dessert use to solve all my problems. Now it no longer does. Smoking use to make me more calm but it doesn’t no more. Running to my loved ones use to slove everything but it no longer does no more. I only have myself. In a world where your depress you only have yourself. You do everything you can to wipe your tears away but it no longer is useful because you cry so much to a point there is no tears. 

I started to blog because of depression, in many ways it encourage me to open up more. Though I don’t blog personally about my life, I take a different aspect to express my feelings. Days that I’ve become upset I open my laptop or my phone and just start blogging away to get my mind off it. Sometimes the best thing to do in order to overcome depression is writing because it’s hard to tell someone but it’s not hard to write how you feel out. Things will get better maybe not now but it will. 

Sometimes you just have to hold on to yourself. Sometimes you just got to brush yourself off and just not let depression take over you. It’s hard but believe in yourself you can do it. No matter how hard it can be. At some point you got to fight it and not be afraid of depression. “Your beautiful, your smart in your own ways, your loved and cherished. Don’t be so hard on yourself, sometimes when things just don’t go the way you want it, just let it be. Let time figure it out” 

Your not alone. 

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Happy birthday little brother 

Wherever you are in the world now I hope your happy up there. It’s your birthday today and I can’t get over the fact that your gone now. It hurts inside to know but I know you waited for me to go. The last time I saw you was the day you pass, and hours after you left. I got to spend those last few hours holding your arms and it was the most memorable moment. It was the only thing I could do in the end from all the tough patches we been through. 

I still remember we all went camping as a group and I got so mad at you. Because you brought a minor with us! I wish I didn’t get mad at you but I did because that mines he was under our supervision. Remember your first heartbreak? I remember your buddy at that time couldn’t handle it so he gave the phone to you, I was there listening to you and giving you advice. It was heartbreaking but after that you learned what was real. 

In 2013 we got really close like brothers and sisters. Your family treated me like their own. I would come over for nails and your sister would always call me chi. Till this day your family still treats me like their and I’m blessed. When things in 2013 got too bumpy for me you saved me. You call me everyday to check up on me. When we use to hit up raves and club I would always have to pretend to be your girl to get pass security. But it worked and we had a fun time! 

Your one of the realist, honest and heartwarming person I’ve ever met. I know you made a bad desicision in life and life took you over. But everyday I still miss you and hate the fact that one of my closest people that I love is gone. I miss you, happy birthday brother. 

Food

Vancouver Hot Pot: Boiling Point 

Who doesn’t like hot pot? Especially a hot pot to yourself! Well Vancouver has these little hot pot places all to yourself! Where your food doesn’t get cold if your a slow eater and I’m a slow eater.  It takes me about an hour to eat a bowl to myself. So I like my food to stay hot. I’ve been here a few times and if your around the area it’s a great place to go, just not in the summer. I came here once in the summer and I was sweating like no tomorrow! 

Atmosphere: The atmosphere here can get really crowded, especially at dinner time. Besides having to wait for seats, it’s pretty loud since this is a family restaurant where you might hear babies crying or just people talking loud. So I wouldn’t recommend coming here on your first date. During lunch hour there usually is no wait. This place gets pretty hot, so don’t be wearing your wool sweaters and scarves here. 

Price: This place is pretty pricey for a one hot pot. You pick either rice or a bowl of vermecilli with your hot pot. The picture above us is about $12-15 per a pot. If you go during lunch time you get a free iced green tea or black tea of your choice. Dinner you don’t get a free drink sad to say and the hot pot are alittle bit more pricey but same size. 

Food: The food here is amazing! There are spicy and non spicy hot pot. You get to pick how spicy you want your dish. If your Asian and like stinky tofu, they got that here. On the table you get to make your own sauce to dip, which is great when you want different taste in your food. The house special is the go to if you don’t know which one you like (top picture) and the lamb hot pot (bottom picture) which is not spicy, but as you can see lots of stuff in the lamb hot pot. Pair is with a fresh milk tea! Underneath your hot pot is a fire lit with wax, it last for about 30 mins or more. But when you feel that you don’t need the fire no more you have the choice to ask them to shut it off. Which is a great thing, so your food is always hot.

Service: The service here are kinda not what you expect. Some of them have an attitude like getting annoy of customer, standing around and talk to their croworkers. Sometimes I know it gets busy but no need to place the bowl on the table so hard. The Richmond location has a lot of staff but only some of them would come around to fill your water or tea up and ask if you want your fire to be shut off. The Burnaby location not as much and it can be hard to get their attention when you need something because the way the tables are set up. 

Location: There are two location one in Burnaby and one in Richmond. If you have a chance stop by at any of these or even both so you can experience both restaurant! There are other location around the world so check out this website of there is one where you live in! Tell me  your review on it! 

http://www.bpgroupusa.com/choose_region.html

Advise

Do what they think you can’t do 

I’m sure everyone is familiar with this topic but not everyone has the courage to follow it. Why? Fear. Fear that if you do it, you might fail and beileve that you can’t do it. Fear that you just aren’t good enough. Fear that your just not made for this. Fear that the outcome won’t satisfy anyone. But why does it matter to them? Why do they’re opinions, humiliations, responses matter so much to you? Because we live in a world where we grew up that people impression matters. It shouldn’t matter. Living in a city that involves having nice clothes, luxury cars, looking good and going to fine places growing up is tough. In school I was pick on for not having those things, beileve me it was the worst coming home crying because I was made fun of. I was left out because I wasn’t the cool kids. 

But when I finally got those things, it didn’t matter, because people still call you out for not having the latest design, that’s not even in or it’s fake. As I was in senior I finally realize no matter what you have or do people will still humiliate you. When everyone looked at me that I’ll never be good at something I showed them I could do it better and then what? Nothing changes the way people will look at you. So why are we here trying to impress others? When you should be doing it for yourself. 10 years down the road the same people will either be sucking up to you or looking down at you still. Why do we want that? Those people shouldn’t be in your life. You were brought into this world to enjoy your life. Not satisfying someone else’s life. 

So do what they think you can’t do. Don’t worry about what others are going to say. What they say should not matter. Don’t let them put you down, give it your best. If you fail, at least you tried and you can always do it again. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t do something, we all have different weakness and strength. But you won’t ever know your weakness or strength if you haven’t tried. The best feeling is proving the people who look down at you wrong. After that they can say what they want and it shouldn’t bother you no more. 

From my experience with bullies, it’s best to stay quite and let them watch what you can do. Bullies are just there because they need attention, they want to be recognize but don’t give them that attention. They gain strength from your attention. Show them what you can do and haters you should be ashamed of yourself.